The Gospel of Grift: A Biweekly Sermon of Satire & Scorn
Hymns of Hypocrisy, Psalms of Scams, and Prayers for the Perplexed
Welcome, dear sinners and skeptics, to The Gospel of Grift—your biweekly dose of irreverent prayers, poetic blasphemy, and rhyming roasts of the clowns running this circus. 🎪🔥 If you're already following me on The Angry Creamsicle Facebook page, you know the deal. But since Zuckerberg’s algorithm is flakier than a Trump legal defense, I’m gathering the best of my satirical scriptures here on Substack—for those who missed the sermon.
So, let us pray, mock, and rhyme—because someone has to keep the cultists, conmen, and capitalist crybabies in check. Amen and enjoy. 💀🔥
Ode to the Orange Emperor
Oh, 45-34, the felonious king,
With spray tan so thick, it could clog up a ring.
Your ego’s inflated like your cholesterol score,
And your brain? Well, it's probably rotting at core.
Miracle Ear turned up, but you still can’t hear,
All the truths, the facts, that to you don’t adhere.
Your cult drinks the Kool-Aid like it's vintage wine,
They’ll sell out their grandma if you say, "She’s mine!"
B6 and Beetlejuice, on standby to clap,
While you tweet out conspiracies fresh from your lap.
Hillbilly Vanilli sings your greatest hits,
And your minions eat it up like deep-fried bullsh*t.
So here’s to the orange, the one we deride,
A legend in courtrooms, but not in your mind.
Your empire’s crumbling, it’s all going south,
But you’ll keep talking—'cause you can’t shut your mouth.
(You’ll blame it on China or maybe a Jew,
When all of it fails—guess what? It's still you.)
Bow before the Burger King of Bullsh*t! 🍔💰 His Highness, Felon 47, ruling from a throne of cash, cholesterol, and cult Kool-Aid. Drink up, peasants! 😂 #McFelony #KoolAidKing #TrumpRoyale
The Cult’s Prayer
Our Father, who art in chaos,
Hallowed be thy tweets.
Thy circus come, thy BS be spun,
On Earth as it is on Fox News.
Give us this day our daily cringe,
And forgive us our sanity,
As we forgive those who keep drinking the Kool-Aid.
Lead us not into rational thought,
But deliver us from reason.
For thine is the tantrum, the con, and the circus,
Forever and ever, amen.
The Cult’s Prayer: Now with 100% more Kool-Aid and 0% critical thinking! 🍷✝️🤡 Drink deep, my brethren, for the truth is fake, the lies are gospel, and Felon 47 walks on Diet Coke. #KoolAidForChrist #CultOfTheCheeto #OhYeahhhhh
The Cheeto Charlatan
In the land of crunch and cheesy dust,
Lived a villain you couldn’t trust.
A charlatan and a grifter sly,
With a cheesy grin and a crafty eye.
He'd promise gold and riches untold,
But leave you hungry in the cold.
His schemes as flaky as his suit,
A crunchy con with no pursuit.
With hair ablaze and a tie askew,
He’d trick and cheat the naive few.
But though he plots with cheesy flair,
He's just a puff of empty air.
So laugh and munch, but don't believe,
The Cheeto-dusted tricks up his sleeve.
For in the end, he is just a jest,
A lying MAGAt, like all the rest.
From the makers of Grift-O’s™️ comes the all-new Cheeto Charlatan Crunch™️—now with 100% more fraud and 0% accountability! Grab a box, just don’t expect a fair election. #Felon47 #CheetoConMan #PuffedUpAndBusted
The Snake Oil Shepherd
In a field of greed where red hats sway,
An orange face sells dreams by day.
With a wink and a smile, he spins his tales,
Peddling potions, promises, and fails.
"Come one, come all," he bellows loud,
To a flock in fleece, a woolly crowd.
Eager sheep with eyes wide shut,
Guzzle down his every glut.
He markets myths with brash delight,
In hats so red, they blind the sight.
"Trust me now," he boldly lies,
While truth, in corners, softly cries.
Yet there in back, a sheep contrite,
Begins to bleat against the plight.
"I think," it says, with quiet might,
"This snake oil's wrong, it doesn't sit right."
But on goes the show, the charade balloons,
As greed paints the sky in gold doubloons.
And though the sheep may sometimes bleat,
The hats stay on, the cycle repeats.
So tip your hat, the red, the rash,
To greed and games, and balderdash.
For in this field, if truth be told,
The only thing that's sold is sold.
Step right up to the Greatest Grift on Earth! 🎪🐑 Witness the wool-covered wonders drink deep from the snake oil chalice while their shepherd pockets the loot. Will they wake up? Nah, but the merch sales are booming! #CultOfTheCon #Felon47FleecesAll #SnakeOilSuperstar
Love in the Time of Scams
Oh, the sunset’s bright, the air is thick,
Two rich old men about to… click.
One builds cars, the other whines,
Both got banned a million times.
Shirts are off, the mood is right,
Ego’s bigger than the night.
Billionaire bromance, wild and free,
Just one more deal—then back to tweets.
The world is burning? Who gives a damn!
They’ll just buy Mars and start a scam.
Hold me close, don’t let me go,
Our stock might crash, but love will grow.
When two grifters find love under a capitalist sunset. 🌅💋 One sells cars, the other sells lies—both sell out daily. #BillionaireBromance #MakeOutGreatAgain #LoveInTheTimeOfScams
The King and His Jester
Oh look, it’s the King and his jester of fools,
One hoards the riches, the other just drools.
The King tweets nonsense, his kingdom’s a wreck,
The Jester’s been bankrupt—what, twice? Maybe thrice? What the heck!
They grift and they scheme, they con and they lie,
One sells dumb cars, the other just cries.
The King wants power, the Jester wants fame,
Both blame the woke when they’re losing the game.
But here’s the twist, the joke’s on you—
They’d sell you out for a buck (or Dogecoin or two).
Behold! The King of Scams and his Jester of Grift! 👑🤡 One tweets, the other tantrums, and both would sell your soul for a dollar (or a Dogecoin). #ClownPrinceOfCrime #KingOfTheCon #JestersAndGrifters
The King's Fool
Upon his throne, the tech king sighs,
While his jester whispers half-baked lies.
"Good sire, they love me, they know I’m the best!"
"Then why," says the king, "are you under arrest?"
"It’s rigged!" cries the fool, his face turning red,
"The kingdom’s against me! The woke want me dead!"
The king simply smirks, adjusts his fine rings,
"That sounds like a you problem—now dance while I sing."
And so the fool twirls, still lost in his pride,
While the kingdom moves on, leaving him cast aside.
For kings may scheme, and fools may grovel,
But history won’t be kind to this tragic novel.
Behold! King Paywall I and his Jester of January 6th. 👑🤡 One buys platforms to control the narrative, the other begs for bail money. Together, they rule the land of gullible fools! #GriftAndGiggles #JokerAndTheJackass #KingOfBots